Are you addicted to compliments?
Try this experiment next time and see…
I suspect that alot of us have an addiction to compliments.
Don’t believe me? Try an experiment.
In a group of women, notice how fast someone brings up something about her body/looks.
Note how often it’s critical
Note how quick someone compliments the person’s looks to ease the tension of the moment
Now…notice how often you do this yourself.
You feel bad about the way you look when you show up somewhere or feel insecure about an aspect of your physical appearance.
You immediately apologize to someone you come in contact with for your looks or call attention to your flaw and make a self-deprecating “joke” about it.
The person tells you something encouraging that temporarily eases the moment and makes you feel better.
Therein often lies the cycle of compliments.
It’s not that compliments themselves are “bad.” (And of course, many times we will sincerely compliment someone on something we notice or an area in which we feel they shine.)
The process when we are looking to be complimented — one, by the way, that we have likely all done at times — is just insightful.
We get a “dopamine hit” of being complimented — we want more and more good words said about how we look on the outside, which feeds an external measurement for failure or success based on the number of compliments we get, what compliments we get, etc. (And don’t get me started on the unspoken “strategy” of complimenting others in order to get a compliment back or getting people to like us. :)
The problem is, what happens when the compliments run out — they don’t come around as often as they used to?
What happens when we have to be known for something other than our body or our looks?
What if God forbid we “lose” our looks with age? (Ever heard someone older say they “feel invisible?”)
Could this be at the root of why we are in self-preservation mode with our image: the need to stay constantly affirmed for how we look?
As always, the way to combat a negative behavior is to replace it with a positive one.
The next time someone is looking for a compliment, give them something more lasting, and validate them as a person.
(We have to get in the habit of building people up for something more than how they look).
The next time you want a compliment, focus on the things you are proud of in your life other than the physical.
(If we pause for a minute, there is always something to be grateful for and goodness to grab onto).
This really isn’t about whether or not to compliment someone’s new cute haircut.
It’s about making it about so much more so we remember how deep our worth truly goes.
PS: Congratulations to Becca, Kim Robertson and Catherine Smith in my Close Circle Community — you each won a book from commenting last time! Please email our team at support@lisawhittle.com and we will get those sent out to you. :)
*Want to know 3 simple things I’m loving right now (with a link for one)? Keep reading for those.