How the Church Can Better Love Singles

4 Ways We Show It vs. Say It

It’s one thing to say we love someone; it’s quite another to show it.

This is true for so many things and certainly as it relates to the way the Church can better love all people.

(Ps: I am the Church, so I preach this to myself.)

Single people certainly make that short (long?) list.

For anyone who doesn’t know me, I should be clear: I am not single, nor have I been for 30 years. I write this not as an expert but from the perspective of a ministry coach and an observer – watching and listening, not first-hand experiencing.

(Does this disqualify me from writing such a post? I hope not, but if you’ll read to the end, I give you permission to judge. ;)

As an eager learner, I love having single friends. They teach me well about things as a long-running married woman I have either forgotten or married into an era that, regrettably, wasn’t thinking much about back then.

I recently had a phone call with a single friend who had been disappointed by the way the Church did not prioritize her needs as a single woman in the area of leadership training.

When approaching church leadership, they assured her that they cared deeply about her and saw her leadership potential. But when pressed about what ways the singles of the church were being considered just like the married congregants, it was clear that they weren’t. Instead, it was only since being brought to their attention that there was going to now be an attempt to “fit them in” instead.

There’s a big difference between prioritizing people and placating them when they bring an issue to the table. If we are honest we will admit that the Church is well aware of how to do the latter, often to save face.

In the city where I live, Charlotte, NC, this placating of singles in the church, if present, will indeed be a problem…since according to the 2024 US Census Bureau, of the 20-34-year-olds living in Charlotte: 76% of men and 70% of women are single.

In light of this, how are our Charlotte churches meeting the needs of this vast population?

Are we prioritizing them or placating them?

Are we factoring them into our leadership or simply seeking to fit them in?

Of course, this age bracket is not the only representation of the single community in the Church. Many divorced adults make up millennials and Gen X’ers, and Boomers are often widowed, which puts them in a unique position of being single and living solo after many years of married life.

With such a vast population of single men and women in our faith communities, we simply cannot continue to say we love many people but not show it in all the ways that truly count.

Here are some ways the Church can love singles better, not just with words, but with our actions:

1) Drop the assumptive language. As I was contemplating some ways to help, my mind took me to a key way I coach book clients: I often tell them that the biggest way authors isolate readers from our books is by using assumptive language – we assume every reader’s season is exactly like our own. (The same goes for speaking). ps: This is different from finding the core/universal felt need, by the way — a unifying writing technique.

Therefore, if we want to love single people in our Church well we have to stop using assumptive language. Talking about your wife or husband with assumptive words like “you all know what I mean” in the middle of an illustration about married life or using words like “when your kids” makes single folks feel marginalized with their current relationship status (not to mention the assumption it makes about infertility/miscarriage for the married couples, as well). Stop presuming everyone shares your exact situation.

2) Widen the lack of leadership representation in the Church to include the single population. Every panel discussion about issues in and outside of the Church should have equal numbers of single representatives on it. Every mastermind group should be not be relegated to single or married. If you’re offering a co-hort for marrieds only this year, make sure you are also offering one for singles-only. And in so doing, please bear in the mind that the body of Christ is not about relationship status but faith in Jesus, as so will heaven also be.

3) Change the overall narrative in the Church about intrinsic worth and value. This is a needed shift in many churches. Imago Dei is a popular preached concept which too often does not make its way into actionable Church life. When the narrative is a heart and soul conviction vs. an optics opportunity, it will be felt in the positioning and tone of the pastor and leadership, on down. Words spoken from the pulpit, discipleship, groups formed, priority placed – the way single people are viewed will show in the way they are factored into the important aspects of ministry vs. fit in as an afterthought.

4) Filling in gaps where needed. Remembering that all single people in the church aren’t just Gen Z, never married, or able-bodied is crucial to our shift in both mentality and learning about how to love single people well. While marriage provides many challenges and a focus on marriage and healthy marriages in the Church is certainly crucial, married men and women have a partner to serve as their “help-meet” while single people do not. Some single men and women have lost a partner to death and perhaps have children to care for alone. Some have gone through a divorce. Some face chronic illness by themselves. Filling in gaps for our single community in the Church isn’t charity work: it’s loving every member of the Church well.

This is just scratching the surface on how the Church can truly better love her single community, which is thriving. It’s time to love, not just in word, but in deed – all parts of us are needed and wanted.

What am I missing? What would you add?

I am an observer, a friend, and I want to love my single brothers and sisters better.

PS: Close circle community, keep reading for a few specific resources I recommend for the single community – to help pastor them well AND if you are a single -- no matter where you live – plus one event happening this week if you live in Charlotte!

*And bonus: I’m unlocking this today for everyone — paid or unpaid — because I want these resources available to everyone PLUS get in on a 48-hour GIVEAWAY. So…please enjoy just for this post, and see what you’re missing when you are not a regular part of our Close Circle Community!